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For as long as I can remember I felt that something was missing in my life, that there was more to than this. On the surface I had a good job, in a media company one that many would be envious of, a roof over my head, great friends and generally from outward appearances I should have been happy. There were people that were much worse of then me. You only had to turn on the TV and you could see a homeless person , a starving child , a child being beaten. I should have been grateful. What did have I in my life that was so bad?
I got into personal development, read untold amount of books, looked backed at my childhood but nothing gave me the answers I was searching for. The search for me was always external. I thought in one of the books someone would have the answer for me. There’s no doubt a lot of these books helped me , I developed techniques that I still used things like NLP , EFT – I learned a lot, however I was still unhappy. I knew that I was put on this earth for a reason but was not sure what the reason was. I tried creative pursuits from flower arranging to makeup. With everything, I would be excited and passionate about it at the beginning and the excitement would slowly ebb away and in time turn to boredom. I almost resigned myself to my fate ,that this was it and that I better pull myself together and appreciate it.
I have now realised that all these years, I have been looking for the answers in the wrong place outside myself. I wanted something external to fix me, a partner, a job, money , friends, my environment. If only I was richer, if only I was in a relationship , the list goes on.
I had paused my happiness, it was always dependent on a future event, once this goal has been achieved however I would go onto the next thing. I never got to a point where I thought wow life is amazing. I would get this feeling maybe for a day or two but then the dissatisfaction would begin again. I began to think that either I was a manic depressive or very ungrateful.
I now realise that I am neither , there’s a reason for the dissatisfaction , that I needed to go to a place within myself and find the ultimate peace. A peace that’s not reliant on external factors, a peace that comes from being joyful on a continual basis. One that lets you just be. This is not an easy state to achieve because your ego tends to fight the idea of achieving this state. The ego thrives on problems , dramas and attachment. It’s not going to let you be, if it does it will ultimately die and the one thing it does not want to do is die. As I have come on this path , I have faced many problems. I have suffered anxiety and became withdrawn. This is all part of the ego that wants me to stop finding peace to bring me back to the illusion of life.
This boredom still resides but now I am trying to embrace it, to see it as a positive aspect of my life , that life is like this for a reason. I recognise that the process to enlightenment is not an easy one and it’s full of challenges. Each challenge seems to be harder to overcome. For those on this path my advice is to preserve, to pick yourself up from each hurdle and carry on. People who have discovered this path have a responsibility to themselves and society to carry on this path to learn the ultimate truth and pass on this knowledge to others
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